Monday, May 31, 2010

"I'm tired of being without you"


Finally named my fish: Bendrix. He's named after the main character in The End of the Affair.


Also, the moon has been beautiful this month:

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"You look so fine, I want to break your heart and give you mine."

At 8:12 p.m. on Saturday the sun set, and I had just finished writing a tiny-short story. I've barely written any fiction at all for the past two years, since I've been consumed with my poetry manuscript, so it was nice to write something else for a change.

I spent the week-end entirely by myself, and enjoyed a distinct feeling of alone-ness. I've walked down to the river 2-3 times a day for the past 5 days. Most likely, I would have kept going over to the river except that each day it eventually got dark out, and therefore I got nervous about rape/drug muling/where birds go in the winter etc. For some reason, probably because I'm a pisces, I am always comforted when I'm by a body of water. If I feel anxious or uneasy, the best thing to do is go out on a boat/swim in the ocean. Since it's a little tricky to manage that on the Upper East Side I opt for the next best thing -- the East River. I also recently bought a new fish, and my heart beat slows a little whenever I look at him. I don't understand how anyone could maintain a sense of anxiety while looking at a fish.

I also don't understand why when I smile people don't understand that I mean I think they're wonderful, and that they're making me happy. Maybe I smile too much and it becomes irrelevant? Occasionally my eyes involuntarily "roll" when I don't mean them to, and it isn't a reaction from annoyance or anything, it just happens. I suppose I don't have much control over my body. Sometimes I wish I could forget about words, words overwhelm me and are not enough. I wish I could just communicate by wrinkling my nose when someone did something unpleasant, or by smiling when someone was being lovely, or smiling a petite/half-hidden smile when someone did something so lovely I didn't want to admit I enjoyed it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Real-adult-world

Here is my final erasure:



It reads: "Fish have just the tiniest moment to love". I'm very interested in fish, and having learned about how goldfish only retain memory for 1-2 minutes inspired this mini-poem. I'm very happy with the poem-erasures that came out of the project.

It's stunning to believe that grad school is over with, and that I now have to be apart of the "grown-up" world. I wasn't the most social of people during school, but then, I never am. I'm happy to say that I come out of this with 2 friends that I know I will keep in contact with for the rest of my life. And several more people that I would love to continue talking to. I think that's a pretty great thing.

The day I handed in my thesis was so overwhelmingly emotional. I am very hesitant to become emotional in public, and don't think I often do, but this was a different situation. The printers messed up my thesis and I ended up in nervous attacks over silly things like font or italicization. I ended up crying on the sidewalk on Lexington Ave. because of Staples. It's also become hard for me to understand that 'Nick' and 'Alice', the characters of my thesis, are not real human beings, it's interfered a bit in my day-to-day.

The day after I handed in my thesis, I flew off to Miami for some sunning and 'poetry-free-life'. I actually left all my books and notebooks at home, to make it a clean break. It was the first time I was on a plane with nothing to read but fashion magazines and in-flight brochures.